Talking to a teenager about cyberbullying requires sensitivity, empathy and intelligent communication. It is crucial to avoid guilt and to offer consistent, understanding support. By using smart communication techniques, parents can help their children open up, seek help and overcome the impact of cyberbullying. The key is to make them feel safe, understood and unconditionally supported.
But just as important as how-to-say techniques is knowing in advance what not to say. Here are some examples of the wrong conversations.
Scenes from the Wrong Conversation: How Not to Talk to Your Child About Cyberbullying
Scene 1: The Living Room
A cozy living room with sofas, a coffee table and a lamp. The father, John, is sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper, and his daughter, Mary, enters with a sad face and her phone in her hand.
Maria: (In a trembling voice) Dad, I need to talk to you about something that’s happening to me at school.
Jim: (Without looking at Mary) Now? I’m busy, but I guess we can talk quickly. What’s going on?
Mary: (hesitating) Well, some kids at school are sending me really mean messages on Instagram. I don’t know what to do.
Jim: (With a frustrated tone) Bad messages? Come on, Mary! Why are you making such a big deal about them? Just ignore them.
Mary: (With tears in her eyes) But Dad, they make me feel awful.
Jim: (Sighing) Look, this is part of growing up. You have to learn to be strong and not let it get to you. Why don’t you just turn off the phone and that’s it?
In this scene, John minimizes Mary’s feelings and does not pay adequate attention to her. His dismissive responses and lack of empathy only make Maria feel more isolated and guilty about her emotions.
Scene 2: The Kitchen
The mother, Laura, is preparing dinner while her son, Lucas, enters with a dejected expression.
Lucas: (In a low voice) Mom, I have to tell you something important about school.
Laura: (In a hurry) What is it now, Lucas? I’m busy cooking. Can’t it wait?
Lucas: (hesitating) It’s about some kids who are bothering me on the internet….
Laura: (Interrupting) Again with your internet problems! What have you done now to provoke that?
Lucas: (Feeling guilty) I didn’t do anything, they just…
Laura: (Exasperated) You’re always getting into trouble, Lucas. If you didn’t get on those social networks all the time, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Stop doing silly things and concentrate on your studies.
In this scene, Laura blames Lucas for the cyberbullying, suggesting that he has done something to provoke it. This attitude may make Lucas feel even more guilty and reluctant to seek help in the future.
Scene 3: The Dining Hall
The family is having dinner in silence when the father, Roberto, decides to broach the subject of cyberbullying inappropriately.
Roberto: (Looking at his son, Carlos) Hey, I hear you’re having problems with some kids online. Why didn’t you say anything to me?
Carlos: (Uneasy) I didn’t want to worry them….
Roberto: (With an accusing tone) Don’t you realize that we need to know these things? What have you done to be harassed?
Carlos: (Puzzled) I didn’t do anything, they are just attacking me…
Roberto: (Raising his voice) You must have done something to be bothered like this, you must learn to defend yourself and not be so weak!
Roberto approaches the problem with accusations and assumptions, making Carlos feel even more helpless and guilty. This approach only aggravates the situation and does not provide the necessary support.
It is critical that parents approach the conversation with empathy and sensitivity.
Lessons Learned
In each of these scenes, parents make common mistakes that can worsen the situation for a teen experiencing cyberbullying:
1. Minimizing the Problem: Downplaying the teen’s emotions can make him or her feel misunderstood and alone.
2. Blaming the Victim: Suggesting that the teen is responsible for his or her own bullying only increases guilt and shame.
3. Lack of Empathy: Not paying adequate attention or showing empathy may lead the teen to believe that his or her problem is not important.
How to Do Better
1. Show Empathy and Understanding:
– “I understand that this must be very difficult for you. I’m here to listen and help you.”
2. Validate your Feelings:
– “Your feelings are valid. It’s not your fault you’re being bullied.”
3. Offer Support and Solutions:
– “Let’s work together to find a solution. We’ll talk to the school and find ways to handle this.”
The Importance of Sensitive Communication
Beforehand, it is critical to understand Cyberbullying: The Silent Enemy of Adolescent Mental Health and identify the Top 12 Signs of Cyberbullying in Teens. Guilt and shame can lead teens to feel responsible for their situation, which is a major obstacle to them seeking support. It is critical that parents approach the conversation with empathy and sensitivity, reassuring their children that they are not to blame for the bullying they are experiencing.
Smart Communication Techniques
1. Create a Safe Environment
Establish a Space of Trust
– Find a quiet, private time to talk, away from distractions.
– Let your child know that he/she can talk to you about anything without fear of judgment.
Use Open Body Language
– Maintain eye contact and nod your head to show you are listening.
– Avoid crossing your arms or adopting closed postures that may appear defensive or disinterested.
2. Active Listening
Practice Active Listening
– Listen attentively without interrupting while your child is talking.
– Repeat back what you hear to confirm your understanding, “It sounds like this has made you feel really bad. Is that right?”
Validate their Feelings.
– Acknowledge their emotions without minimizing them: “I understand that this makes you feel sad and angry. It’s completely normal to feel this way.”
3. Avoid Blaming Language
Use First Person Statements.
– Instead of saying “Why did you let this happen?” say “I want to better understand what’s going on so I can help you.”
Avoid Judgment and Criticism.
– Don’t criticize their actions or reactions, “It’s not your fault they are harassing you. No one deserves to be treated this way.”
4. Encourage Self-Expression
Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Ask in a way that invites a more detailed response, “How does this make you feel?” rather than “Do you feel bad about this?”
Offer Space to Talk
– Give her time to respond and process her thoughts. Don’t rush to find solutions immediately.
5. Provide Support and Solutions
Focus on Solutions Together.
– Ask how you can help, “What do you think might help you feel better in this situation?”
– Work together to find practical and achievable solutions.
Reinforce their Value and Strength.
– Reaffirm their qualities and accomplishments: “You are very brave to talk about this with me. I’m here to support you.”
6. Education and Empowerment
Inform about Cyberbullying
– Educate your child about what cyberbullying is and why it happens, without making him/her feel responsible.
Empower with Tools and Resources
– Teach them how to block bullies, report incidents on social networks and use privacy settings.
Key Phrases for Conversation
– “What’s happening to you is not your fault. No one has the right to treat you this way.”
– “I’m here to support you. Together, we can find a solution.”
– “Your well-being is the most important thing. Let’s make sure you feel safe and supported.”
– “I want to understand what you are going through so I can help you better.”
Remember, the most important thing is to let them know that they are not alone and that they have the unconditional support of their loved ones.
