Almost everyone wants to help… but so often in real life we don’t do it. We wish we could be understood and helped… but do we know how to ask for help?
I want to share with you a real experience and a reflection.
A few years ago, I went through a period of “great mental fatigue” with difficulties to think properly. I had to carry out a simple bank transaction (payment of a fee) that on other occasions, without difficulty, I had done at the ATM of my bank.
What was it that I did not see today?
My mind, slow and saddened in that period (also needing to hide from others the situation that perhaps should have led me to a temporary leave) could not find the way to make the management, again and again I passed the card through the ATM, tried to understand how to do it… I could not do something so simple!… What is what I did not see today? Unrest, invasion of certain stress, feeling of uselessness, affectation of self-esteem and at the same time the perception – without wanting to accept it – that I was sick. In the end, with a feeling of failure, I went into the bank. I asked the teller to make the transaction for me. I did not ask for it with a smile but with a face of impotence and anger that perhaps I felt against myself.
The cashier looked at me and replied almost in monosyllables that I should do it at the cashier. I told her that I had tried and couldn’t. She insisted that it was very simple. She insisted that it was very simple and that these steps should be done on-line or at the ATM. I told her again that I was not able to do it. With a grumpy and disgruntled expression she asked me to sit down and wait.
More than 15 minutes passed, I didn’t see that she was particularly busy, I felt that she was annoyed that some customers were giving her work that she considered not necessary. I felt she was waiting for me to leave or try again.
One more tear
I put my hands over my face, trying to evade and rest my mind. Finally he called me, he told me again how easy it was to do it at the ATM, he reminded me again that these arrangements had to be done that way. I just listened tired and humiliated… I didn’t know how to do something so simple!
He made the transaction, I said goodbye and he gave me his grumpy face again without uttering any more words.
I had plenty of sadness and a feeling of lack of capacity in those moments… I didn’t need “that extra tear”… anecdotes that are nothing, tears that among millions are not noticed… however sometimes the smallest tears can be “the last drop that made the glass overflow” (no, in my case it was just one more on that occasion, significant enough to remember it many years later).
A few days ago I remembered that situation. I had to do again a simple transaction that I always do at ATMs… but I was aware that my mind was tired again. I had a certain fear of reliving the same thing – yes, it was super simple to do, but not for me that day.
(…) however sometimes the smallest tears can be “the last straw that broke the camel’s back” (…)
The naked soul
Without looking at the ATM I entered directly to the branch (the same one where I had lived the experience the other time), and with a big – but sad – smile, I said to the woman who was attending “I have to apologize, I need to make this transaction, I know it is very simple and that I should do it in an ATM, but at this moment my mind is slowed down and diminished by a mental problem and I don’t think I will know how to do it”?
I had bared my soul, I had given a sad smile, I had asked for help with humility and recognizing my situation (the one I would have hidden before)… the woman gave me back a big smile, she told me not to worry of course, she made the transaction super fast accompanying me to the cashier but doing the transaction for me. She even asked me not to hesitate to ask for help when I needed it and gave me a warm smile. I returned happy and with an additional smile to my soul… those smiles to the soul that we need so much to help us to evaporate the tears that dwell in it.
I am coming out of those days of tiredness, I know that very soon I will be back to do some banking… those that are not everyday but are very easy to do at the ATM if your mind does not oppress you.
Fighting the stigma
I will do it, happy (overcoming a difficult period always generates satisfaction and peace) I will go back into the bank and go to see the person who helped me… just to remind her of what happened and thank her again for what she helped me and the good she did me (which is much greater than “helping to make a management” even if they cannot perceive it).
And I will remind her because I will want to… but I will also remind her to help her understand this kind of situation… I am sure she will feel good; I am sure she will feel joy for having been able to help; I am sure that her bond towards people who sometimes suffer from mental disorders will be greater; the stigma – in her – maybe a little less (however little it is!).
And you, do you ask for help? do you feel reflected in my first experience or in the second one?
And you, when someone needs your help? Maybe without daring to ask for it because sometimes asking for help is painful or we feel humiliated… Do you judge the one who asks for it? Do you feel that he/she bothers you without appreciating the reason? Before judging, try to understand motives other than the ones that come to your mind… and if those motives may exist, judge if you are not the one to judge yourself!
Do you really think they don’t want to help us when they understand what is going on?
Could it be that the fear of being seen as weak leads us to hide a reality that we want them to understand without words?
